I played many characters in Final Fantasy XIV over the years. A swashbuckling pirate lady, a humble guild accountant, an overworked scholar. Only through them, did I get to explore and interrogate parts of my identity without fearing judgment or scorn from others.
Roleplaying in the critically acclaimed MMORPG is a surprising activity. In a world that props up the player character as the hero saving the world, most people tend to engage with the story as just your regular fantasy RPG NPC in their off hours. It’s a space to hang out and see the world through a different lens, a home away from home with the occasional fantastic drama to spice things up.
It’s liberating, then, to get deep and personal with aspects of yourself freely by living them out through someone else. Going on make-believe adventures with friends and strangers or attending festivals with my pretend spouse helped me to be more comfortable with the concept of ‘me.’
For years I just tiptoed around my identity, being a pansexual guy never really sat right with me, even after coming out to my parents. I felt uncomfortable identifying as a man, never felt like I’d fit in as a woman, and the space in between never felt like ‘me’ either. But through years of inhabiting these people, all of which carry aspects of myself dialed to eleven I feel more confident to sidestep the gender spectrum in its entirety. I’m nonbinary, and if there’s ever a part of me I feel like I can’t live out outside of virtual worlds, I’ll just make up someone who can.
Into The Spine